Gentle moos from round the globe

m    o    o    c    a    t    .    n    e   t
Essays  ·  Poetry  ·  Comedy  ·  Art  ·  Video summer 2021
Dave for Pope


· Sitting with Mama
· Maria
· Nine Crossings
· Mama and Her

· Fallopian Chron IV
· Why I Toast, I
· Why I Toast, II
· Why I Toast, III
· Scooter/Dot-Com
· Fallopian Chron II
· Fallopian Chron III
· Strange Bedfellow
· Almost Equal
· A Difficult Day
· Phantom Lover:
    Ode to
    Leslie Cheung

· I Am Salad
· Fallopian Chron I
· Taiwanglish
· Childhood's End
· Psychic Friends
· Life in the
    Time of SARS

· Waiting for
      the Goddess

· Roswell My Eye
· Catisfaction
· My Laramie Project
· Stopping on the
    Street for
    Coltrane: A Real
    Latter Day Saint

· Whither Moocat?
· Happy Palindrome!
· Happy Tiger
· Tourist for a Day
· Geography
    as Destiny

· "Bastards"
· Watching the
    Pentagon Burn

· Communing with

· Milk
· Infinity
· Emailing the Dead
· Broken Water
· Sand Shark
· Grandma Said
· Golden Days
· Americat
· Moe Howard on the
Death of His Brother,

· Flashpoems
· Minyan
· Inside Scoop
· Nativity
· I Ask My Mother
To Sing

· Absence of Colours
· Island Logic
· Peepshow Kleenex
· Allen Ginsberg
Forgives Ezra Pound
on Behalf of the Jews

· Lacing Your Shoes:
Haiku & the Everyday

· Four Haiku
· Smoking Haiku
· Geary & Jones,
Monday, 8:23 a.m.

· The Keeper
· december 13, 2001
· Memento Mori
· Football's Birthday
· The Edward Gorey

· Arrival
· Victim o'

· The Origin of
Teeth and Bones

· Questions for
Martins Ferry,

· This Is Just
To Tell You

· Not-Cat (& whatnot)
· To My Unmet Wife

· Englishhua
· Dave for Pope
· Papa Loves Mambo
· A Culture Report

· The Louisiana
A Special Radio X
Historical Docudrama

· Krawkawkaw Gives
a Little

· Meet Dr. Klaww
· Letters to Dr. Klaww
· Letter from the
Hall of Justice

· An Invitation
to be Keynote

· More

All Things

· Gajandra Meets
    the Scatoman

· Gajandra and
    the Curse of the
    Six Monkeys

· Gajandra and the
    Eating Lesson

· A Moment of

· Gajandra and the
    Great Rumble

· Gajandra and the
    Problem with

· Mohamed Tahdaini
· John Guillory
· Berkeley Pier
· Bruce Dene
· Death of The Bayou
· Taiwan Food Vendors
· John Freeman
· Robin Liu
· Hector
· Dave's Corner
· Zuni Kachinas

· Mainland Murmurs
· Next to Heaven
  · Episode #8

  · Episode #16
· Crosswords Brunch


Moo archives...
· Essays
· Comedy
· Poetry
· Art
· Video
Donate towards my web hosting bill!

My dearest friends and fellow clergy:

It looks like His Holiness Pope John Paul II's days may well be somewhat numbered...

Therefore, I'd just like to let it be known now that I've decided to toss my mitre into the ring: I am announcing my candidacy for the Papacy.

Soon-to-be Pope John Paul Moocat I
Bless All Y'all Bastards!

Since the late 1970s, the Holy See has been ruled by a non-Italian. That's excellent. I think it's now high time for the first American Pope. Sure, there are some amongst my critics who will carp, "But he hasn't gone to church in, like, 25 years!" To those detractors, I can merely say, "Blasphemy! You're going to Hell for that!" As any religious scholar can tell you, I went to Catholic school from the middle of the second grade through the fifth grade. That is plenty enough time to scar a person into Catholicism for life. Besides, Mother Teresa never once visited the catholic church in my hometown; does that make her a Bad Catholic?

I plan a number of reforms in my administration, including:

  1. Stop vilifying homosexuals
  2. Stop vilifying homosexual pederasts
  3. Stop hiring them
  4. Ordain women, and have them chaperone male priests when ministering to underage boys
  5. More beer in Vatican City
  6. Lift ban on priests marrying
  7. Lift ban on priests marrying other priests
  8. Lift ban on use of contraceptive devices, except for use as packaging for intra-rectal crossborder transport of cocaine or heroin.
  9. Rehabilitate the word "funky" amidst the liturgy
  10. Bring back (Electric) Guitar Mass
  11. Sponsor more Hootie and the Blowfish concerts at the Basilica
  12. Free bingo on Tuesday nights
  13. Regular Papal appearances on Saturday Night Live

I also promise to fix the water fountain in the main lobby of the Sistine Chapel.

We Have a Moocat!
Habemus Moocat!

In keeping with the bold choice of Karol Wojtyla as the first Polish pope in 1978, I believe that my coronation as the first Cajun-Italian American Bisexual Lapsed-Catholic Pope will do much for broadening the appeal and global reach of Catholicism.

I believe that as the personal Earth-bound representative of Our Lord Jesus Christ, I will make an effective CEO, reining in costs and increasing profit margins across our many international business units.

Apart from that, I believe I can KICK THE DALAI LAMA's ASS in any fair game of Scrabble.

I sincerely hope I can count on your support. With your energetic help, I'm sure that the next time the smoke turns white over Vatican City, there will be much cause for celebration, including several jamborees fully stocked with jambalaya and spicy Crawfish casseroles, and... some delicious phở (got to get that coveted Vietnamese-Catholic vote!).

Yours in continued success in the field of Catholicism,

(soon to be) John Paul Moocat I

— David Saia

David Saia grew up in southern Louisiana and is a proud Bayou Cajun. If he ever meets that "Mo Martin" Prairie Cajun again in the swamps, he will punch him in the eye, I can tell you that!

<—   b  a  c  k

>>> Got feedback on this page? Share it with the moocat!
        (It's an offsite form, but I'll get the message, and if it's not spam, so will the author.) © 2001-2021, by . Individual authors retain copyright over their works. Reproduce only with author's permission. has NO relation to ''