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|Essays · Poetry · Comedy · Art · Video||summer 2021|
Dave for Pope
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My dearest friends and fellow clergy:
Since the late 1970s, the Holy See has been ruled by a non-Italian. That's excellent. I think it's now high time for the first American Pope. Sure, there are some amongst my critics who will carp, "But he hasn't gone to church in, like, 25 years!" To those detractors, I can merely say, "Blasphemy! You're going to Hell for that!" As any religious scholar can tell you, I went to Catholic school from the middle of the second grade through the fifth grade. That is plenty enough time to scar a person into Catholicism for life. Besides, Mother Teresa never once visited the catholic church in my hometown; does that make her a Bad Catholic?
I plan a number of reforms in my administration, including:
I also promise to fix the water fountain in the main lobby of the Sistine Chapel.
In keeping with the bold choice of Karol Wojtyla as the first Polish pope in 1978, I believe that my coronation as the first Cajun-Italian American Bisexual Lapsed-Catholic Pope will do much for broadening the appeal and global reach of Catholicism.
I believe that as the personal Earth-bound representative of Our Lord Jesus Christ, I will make an effective CEO, reining in costs and increasing profit margins across our many international business units.
Apart from that, I believe I can KICK THE DALAI LAMA's ASS in any fair game of Scrabble.
I sincerely hope I can count on your support. With your energetic help, I'm sure that the next time the smoke turns white over Vatican City, there will be much cause for celebration, including several jamborees fully stocked with jambalaya and spicy Crawfish casseroles, and... some delicious phở (got to get that coveted Vietnamese-Catholic vote!).
Yours in continued success in the field of Catholicism,
David Saia grew up in southern Louisiana and is a proud Bayou Cajun. If he ever meets that "Mo Martin" Prairie Cajun again in the swamps, he will punch him in the eye, I can tell you that!Got feedback on this page? Share it with the moocat!
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