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Gajandra Meets the Scatoman


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And so it was that Gajandra came to the kingdom that the sage had spoken of, and behold, it was there he saw the legendary Scatoman: part Phalanx, part Sphincter, part Elizabeth Montgomery.

"How can one defeat an enemy so powerful it breathes fire"? Gajandra asked of Jutu, the old and wizened attendant.

"One cannot defeat such an enemy," replied Jutu.

"But it is prophesied that I must kill the Scatoman," he objected.

"Yes, thus it is so."

"And you have been instructed to tell me how to defeat him, yes?"


"Then how can a man defeat a beast so powerful?"

"A man cannot defeat a beast so powerful."

"What are you saying, Jutu—that the Scatoman cannot be defeated?!"

"No, not at all, young master. Only that he cannot be defeated by a man."

"Ah, then we must gather compatriots, and raise an army to slay the beast!"

"Aah, no, I didn't quite say that..."

"Then I must defeat the Scatoman alone?"

"No, I didn't say that either."

"Then what man can defeat it?"

"No man can defeat such a beast, Master Gajandra."

"Oh, stop it with that, will you?"

And then, the old one spoke: "Master Gajandra, when you were nigh fourteen of years and slight of bone, didst not you feel the power of the moon goddess to extract your Godly seed from the loins?"

"Yes, Old Jutu, thus as it is with all youth."

"And did you not surrender to the pleadings of the moon goddess, manipulating thy Demi-Godly scepter until it released the Royal seed of progeny?"

"Um.... yes..."

"And did you not then take a Kleenex, and sop up the sacred emission, and then toss it into the nearby trash receptacle that you keep near the Golden Alarm-Clock/Radio?"

"Yes! I did all these things! What is your point, Old Jutu?!"

"I'm telling your mother."

"Jutu! This is not the time for foolery! What are you telling me?"

"And how many men did it take to pummel you into submission to the beseech of the moon goddess?"

"How many men? Why, none Jutu, I did it myself."

"Thus may the Scatoman be defeated."

(long silence)

"You want me to... talk him into.... masturbating himself... to death?"

"Was it not Pallas who slayed Medusa after approaching her with mirrored shield?"

"Uh, yeah..."

"A few years ago, did not the Great Moses himself lead the Jewish People through the Sea of Bethlehem?"

"... Something like that."

"Was it not Al Pacino who played the title role in The Devil's Advocate?"

"Actually, I think the 'advocate' in the title refers to the young lawyer role played by Keanu Reeves."

"Yes, but the special effects and sound direction—were they not adequate?"

"Yes, adequate, Jutu."

"I quite enjoyed that picture also."


"Yes, Master?"

"That last bit about the movie had nothing to do with defeating the Scatoman, did it?"

"Can not an old royal attendant just make chit-chat?"

"Jutu—go to the tent. And do not return until the Scatoman lies dead from his own lust."

"But wait, Master Gajandra— listen carefully: before the beast complies with your suggestion, you must insert these wax fobs into your ears!"

Jutu handed Gajandra a pouch of standard-issue sound-blocking wax fobs, and with that, the old man retired to his tent."

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