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Letters to Dr. Klaww


· Sitting with Mama
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· Nine Crossings
· Mama and Her

· Fallopian Chron IV
· Why I Toast, I
· Why I Toast, II
· Why I Toast, III
· Scooter/Dot-Com
· Fallopian Chron II
· Fallopian Chron III
· Strange Bedfellow
· Almost Equal
· A Difficult Day
· Phantom Lover:
    Ode to
    Leslie Cheung

· I Am Salad
· Fallopian Chron I
· Taiwanglish
· Childhood's End
· Psychic Friends
· Life in the
    Time of SARS

· Waiting for
      the Goddess

· Roswell My Eye
· Catisfaction
· My Laramie Project
· Stopping on the
    Street for
    Coltrane: A Real
    Latter Day Saint

· Whither Moocat?
· Happy Palindrome!
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· Geography
    as Destiny

· "Bastards"
· Watching the
    Pentagon Burn

· Communing with

· Milk
· Infinity
· Emailing the Dead
· Broken Water
· Sand Shark
· Grandma Said
· Golden Days
· Americat
· Moe Howard on the
Death of His Brother,

· Flashpoems
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· Inside Scoop
· Nativity
· I Ask My Mother
To Sing

· Absence of Colours
· Island Logic
· Peepshow Kleenex
· Allen Ginsberg
Forgives Ezra Pound
on Behalf of the Jews

· Lacing Your Shoes:
Haiku & the Everyday

· Four Haiku
· Smoking Haiku
· Geary & Jones,
Monday, 8:23 a.m.

· The Keeper
· december 13, 2001
· Memento Mori
· Football's Birthday
· The Edward Gorey

· Arrival
· Victim o'

· The Origin of
Teeth and Bones

· Questions for
Martins Ferry,

· This Is Just
To Tell You

· Not-Cat (& whatnot)
· To My Unmet Wife

· Englishhua
· Dave for Pope
· Papa Loves Mambo
· A Culture Report

· The Louisiana
A Special Radio X
Historical Docudrama

· Krawkawkaw Gives
a Little

· Meet Dr. Klaww
· Letters to Dr. Klaww
· Letter from the
Hall of Justice

· An Invitation
to be Keynote

· More

All Things

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    the Scatoman

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    the Curse of the
    Six Monkeys

· Gajandra and the
    Eating Lesson

· A Moment of

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    Great Rumble

· Gajandra and the
    Problem with

· Mohamed Tahdaini
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· Berkeley Pier
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· Death of The Bayou
· Taiwan Food Vendors
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· Hector
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· Mainland Murmurs
· Next to Heaven
  · Episode #8

  · Episode #16
· Crosswords Brunch


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Alert Klaww Fan Claude Bawls writes—

Dear Dr. Klaws,

Thank you for putting into words the pain and anguish I've felt over the years. Like you, I've been burdened with the double curse of physical deformity and an unusual name.

Unlike most people, who, when faced with this fact, become the moral equivalent of Hitler, you understand. Because you've been there. I hope that we can become very good friends and stand against a world of monsters.


Claude Bawls

P.S. We used to have a family cat named Klaws! Isn't that funny!

P.P.S. I'll have some of that Hawaiian Punch!


Dr. Klaww replies--

Re: Mister Bawls!

It's KLAWW! KLAWW! Not 'Klaws', you indefatiguable embodiment!


I've heard of you and your tedious adventures, Mister Bawls! No one with a KLAW could possibly escape the fiendish fate you paved long, long ago!

And you compare the hideousness of the KLAW to the humanness of badger-mauled scrota??? FFFFFFFieeeee!

Why, if it weren't for this Hideous Claw, I'm sure my point would get through to you! No one out-claws the KLAWW!


P.S. We used to have a family cat named Klaws! Isn't that funny!

You think that's funny!?!?! Then Witness the Horrific Hideousness of the KLAW!!!!!

(displaying obviously normal left hand, held in the shape of a claw)

P.P.S. I'll have some of that Hawaiian Punch!

Sorry, the Punch is all gone....but perhaps you might still have a taste for.....This Chalice of Pennywort Beverage.......and a Carbolic Acid Chaser!!!!!



Hiram Klaww, PhD.


Concerned Klaww Fan Jay Schwarzhoff writes—

Re: Dr. Klaww, I have a problem....

Dear Dr. Klaww,

I have had a lifelong heart murmur which can sometimes limit my physical activity, especially if I'm out of shape. I have a fungal growth under 4 of my toenails which can be painful if I do not trim them. Pressures at my job will sometimes make me grow a hemorrhoid like a clown blowing up one of those long skinny balloons that he will twist into the shape of a twisted up balloon and tell you that it is a rocket ship even though he knows you wanted a horsie.

As a result, our neighbors' dalmations constantly strew garbage around our house and too many leaves fall in our yard.

Dr Klaww, help me. HAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLP MEEEEEeeeeeeeee......


Dr. Klaww replies—

Dear Mr. Schwarzenegger,

Your trivial problems are no match for the heinousness of the KLAW!!! You and your many minions think your pitiful anomalies warrant scientific investigation and medical treatment! But you are FOOLS! FOOLS, I say! ALL OF YOU! You compare difficulty with toe fungus and unruly Dalmations with the HideousNess of The KlaWWW!??????

Then HERE--LOOK! GAZE UPON the Ungodly Monstrostiy that Made Me What I AM! Witness the Hideousness of —

T  H  E    K  L  A  W  W  W  !!!

(displaying obviously normal human left hand, semi-clenched into vague, claw-like shape)

(calming down now)

... Heart murmur eh?

Then perhaps you might be inclined to place your head and neck into the gaping hole of this here Guillotine!!!


Hiram Klaww, PhD.

P.S. When considering medical advice from Dr. Klaww, please note that his doctoral degree is not in medicine, but in entomology.

— M Martin, J Schwarzhoff, and D Saia

<—   b  a  c  k

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