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|Essays · Poetry · Comedy · Art · Video||summer 2021|
Dear Santa Klawws—
Even though I know that you are hideously deformed and scare little children just by waving your hand, I would like the following items for Kristmas this year:
If you cannot deliver, please send UPS overnight.
Marty Grasstein, Esq.
P.S. I've been better than all my friends this year.
Dr. Klaww responds—
You poor, pathetic human underling! No doubt it was the PlainHands who put you up to this! Your intentions are pure, young man, but you have been monstrously misinformed by the cruel, hating world: I am not the being you erroneously refer to as "Santa Klawws," but rather, I am The Anomaly of The Ultimate! Hideous Deformed Beast Formed of the Miscalculations of An Equally Hideous, Misguided Science!! I AM KLAWWWWWWW!!
[gesticulating piteously with apparently normal, healthy left hand held in semi-clenched shape to resemble a claw]
If I were you, my pitiful child, I would turn away from all that is wholesome and good—Reject Christmas! Reject presents and carolling and eggnog and all the accompanying Drunken Uncles of Noel!! These trappings only serve to cruelly misshape a pathetic child's not-yet-bitter perception of life!
Follow the Way of the Klaww, and you will not be loved, but you will be FEARED! And FEARED is BETTER!!
Feast your eyes on the Infamy of the Medusal Appendage!!!!
[again, displaying the "claw" hand]
I am KLAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Hiram J. "Uncle" Klaww, PhD.
Aside to Jacques, the Crawfish-Boy, who wrote:
I do hope to be of service to you Dr. Klaw since I'm so dam well positioned to be just that. Tell me how to rise up the ranks and leave this shitty Bayou Poopoo. I'm ready to kick some bagass.
Sir, you are a credit to your hideous mutant sub-species! There is little that the KLAWW can tell you that you do not know... except perhaps that your attitude is a bit 'chipper'.
Remember, Jacques, to be a TRUE monster, you must be MONSTROUS from the Inside First!!
Best of luck in enduring the hideous ramifications of the Curse of Klaww,
Hiram J. Klaww, PhD.
P.S. May I suggest that you offer your clients demi-tasses of Water Moccasin Venom? You'd be surprised at how often they accept!
Dear Dr. Klaww:
I have listened patiently to your pitiful diatribe about your deformed hand. Well, I have no hands as mine were destroyed in a freak manicure accident. Since then, I have been able to manipulate metal claws attached to my arms that have enabled me to finish with flying colors at Mr. Pinky's School of Cosmotology. I am a very good hairdresser. I had to be because I just couldn't stomach any class that had anything to do with manicures.
Now, with my diploma on the wall of my father's garage, I am paying my cousin Tommy to paint the panelling white so I can turn it into a salon. You see, Dr. Klaww, in spite of my success in school and a proven record as a talented stylist, no one in my little town of Darnell, Kansas will take me into their employ. Oh, they make excuses about tough times, but I see their eyes fix upon my metal claw-encased nubs, expertly holding my shears, and they turn stone cold. I have to say I am fortunate enough not to have to deal with the name that associates with my problem. However, the local boys saw to it that the entire town, young and old, called me "Nubby" Tyler.
So, Dr. Klaww, count your blessings. At least you have opposable thumbs, albeit withered.
Jane "Nubby" Tyler
Dear Horrible Princess Nubby!
At last, you've come! The Book of KLAWW foretells of the arrival of The Heinous One—the One Whose Hideousness Far Out-Darkens That of the Klaww!!!
I supplicate my hideous Klaw to your far more hideous Nubs of Fate! Command me as you wish, to taint this fetid world with hideousness! I await your order to go about inviting the PlainHands to, say, Not Get Enough Exercise or, for instance, Use a Sun Tanning Lotion Below the Recommended Spf 15 Level!!
I shudder at the hideousness yet to be caused by our ungodly partnership!
[sheepishly hiding 'claw' hand in pocket]
I would display the Wretched Talon to you, but to do so would mean nothing to a Being of your Unfortunateness!!
I am Klaww....but more importantly, CURSED Be The Nub! The Ghastly, Shriek-Causing Nub of Fate!!!!
Your humble servant,
Hiram J. Klaww, PhD.
M Johnson, J Guillory, L Landry and D Saia
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Lynn Landry is writing again after a lot of goading, coddling, and shaming by friends. Technology has set her free as she discovered she was "born to blog." Check out her daily musings on life in Oakland, CA at Bad Mother.
John Guillory is a self-taught artist who's been painting for many years now. During the day he is a librarian who supports IT for libraries.
David Saia grew up in southern Louisiana and is a proud Bayou Cajun. If he ever meets that "Mo Martin" Prairie Cajun again in the swamps, he will punch him in the eye, I can tell you that!
(It's an offsite form, but I'll get the message, and if it's not spam, so will the author.)