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Essays  ·  Poetry  ·  Comedy  ·  Art  ·  Video summer 2021
More KLAWWrespondence

12/18/1996,
Searchmoo:


Essays...
· Sitting with Mama
· Maria
· Nine Crossings
· Mama and Her
    Figs

· Fallopian Chron IV
· Why I Toast, I
· Why I Toast, II
· Why I Toast, III
· Scooter/Dot-Com
· Fallopian Chron II
· Fallopian Chron III
· Strange Bedfellow
· Almost Equal
· A Difficult Day
· Phantom Lover:
    Ode to
    Leslie Cheung

· I Am Salad
· Fallopian Chron I
· Taiwanglish
· Childhood's End
· Psychic Friends
· Life in the
    Time of SARS

· Waiting for
      the Goddess

· Roswell My Eye
· Catisfaction
· My Laramie Project
· Stopping on the
    Street for
    Coltrane: A Real
    Latter Day Saint

· Whither Moocat?
· Happy Palindrome!
· Happy Tiger
· Tourist for a Day
· Geography
    as Destiny

· "Bastards"
· Watching the
    Pentagon Burn

· Communing with
    Mama


Poetry...
· Milk
· Infinity
· Emailing the Dead
· Broken Water
· Sand Shark
· Grandma Said
· Golden Days
· Americat
· Moe Howard on the
Death of His Brother,
Curly

· Flashpoems
· Minyan
· Inside Scoop
· Nativity
· I Ask My Mother
To Sing

· Absence of Colours
· Island Logic
· Peepshow Kleenex
· Allen Ginsberg
Forgives Ezra Pound
on Behalf of the Jews

· Lacing Your Shoes:
Haiku & the Everyday

· Four Haiku
· Smoking Haiku
· Geary & Jones,
Monday, 8:23 a.m.

· The Keeper
· december 13, 2001
· Memento Mori
· Football's Birthday
· The Edward Gorey
Museum

· Arrival
· Victim o'
Soikumstance

· The Origin of
Teeth and Bones

· Questions for
Understanding
Martins Ferry,
Ohio

· This Is Just
To Tell You

· Not-Cat (& whatnot)
· To My Unmet Wife

Comedy...
· Englishhua
· Dave for Pope
· Papa Loves Mambo
· MS-GOV
· A Culture Report
Sampler

· The Louisiana
Cajuns:
A Special Radio X
Historical Docudrama

· Krawkawkaw Gives
a Little

· Meet Dr. Klaww
· Letters to Dr. Klaww
· Letter from the
Hall of Justice

· An Invitation
to be Keynote
Speaker

· More
KLAWWrespondence


All Things
    Gajandra...

· Gajandra Meets
    the Scatoman

· Gajandra and
    the Curse of the
    Six Monkeys

· Gajandra and the
    Eating Lesson

· A Moment of
    Self-Doubt

· Gajandra and the
    Great Rumble

· Gajandra and the
    Problem with
    Sa-Noor


Art...
· Mohamed Tahdaini
· John Guillory
· Berkeley Pier
· Bruce Dene
· Death of The Bayou
· Taiwan Food Vendors
· John Freeman
· Robin Liu
· Hector
· Dave's Corner
· Zuni Kachinas

Videos...
· Mainland Murmurs
· Next to Heaven
  · Episode #8

  · Episode #16
· Crosswords Brunch


Submission
Guidelines


Moo archives...
· Essays
· Comedy
· Poetry
· Art
· Video
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Dear Santa Klawws—

Even though I know that you are hideously deformed and scare little children just by waving your hand, I would like the following items for Kristmas this year:

  1. a deluxe Robowhirllygig with detachable pseudopods
  2. the new Bucket-o-Mice action adventure game from Segatron
  3. a Mr. Klinefelter's Syndrome doll
  4. a spinthariscope
  5. a transubstantiation kit (with extra eucharistic hosts)
  6. Ektoplasm Man videos (volumes I through XXXIX)
  7. an ant farm

If you cannot deliver, please send UPS overnight.

Yours truly,

Marty Grasstein, Esq.

P.S. I've been better than all my friends this year.

_________________________________

Dr. Klaww responds—

Dear Marty,

You poor, pathetic human underling! No doubt it was the PlainHands who put you up to this! Your intentions are pure, young man, but you have been monstrously misinformed by the cruel, hating world: I am not the being you erroneously refer to as "Santa Klawws," but rather, I am The Anomaly of The Ultimate! Hideous Deformed Beast Formed of the Miscalculations of An Equally Hideous, Misguided Science!! I AM KLAWWWWWWW!!

[gesticulating piteously with apparently normal, healthy left hand held in semi-clenched shape to resemble a claw]

If I were you, my pitiful child, I would turn away from all that is wholesome and good—Reject Christmas! Reject presents and carolling and eggnog and all the accompanying Drunken Uncles of Noel!! These trappings only serve to cruelly misshape a pathetic child's not-yet-bitter perception of life!

Follow the Way of the Klaww, and you will not be loved, but you will be FEARED! And FEARED is BETTER!!

Ha-hahahahahahahahahahhahahhahahahahhahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Feast your eyes on the Infamy of the Medusal Appendage!!!!

[again, displaying the "claw" hand]

I am KLAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Sincerely,

Hiram J. "Uncle" Klaww, PhD.

_________________________________

Aside to Jacques, the Crawfish-Boy, who wrote:

I do hope to be of service to you Dr. Klaw since I'm so dam well positioned to be just that. Tell me how to rise up the ranks and leave this shitty Bayou Poopoo. I'm ready to kick some bagass.

Sir, you are a credit to your hideous mutant sub-species! There is little that the KLAWW can tell you that you do not know... except perhaps that your attitude is a bit 'chipper'.

Remember, Jacques, to be a TRUE monster, you must be MONSTROUS from the Inside First!!

Best of luck in enduring the hideous ramifications of the Curse of Klaww,

Hiram J. Klaww, PhD.

P.S. May I suggest that you offer your clients demi-tasses of Water Moccasin Venom? You'd be surprised at how often they accept!

_________________________________

Dear Dr. Klaww:

I have listened patiently to your pitiful diatribe about your deformed hand. Well, I have no hands as mine were destroyed in a freak manicure accident. Since then, I have been able to manipulate metal claws attached to my arms that have enabled me to finish with flying colors at Mr. Pinky's School of Cosmotology. I am a very good hairdresser. I had to be because I just couldn't stomach any class that had anything to do with manicures.

Now, with my diploma on the wall of my father's garage, I am paying my cousin Tommy to paint the panelling white so I can turn it into a salon. You see, Dr. Klaww, in spite of my success in school and a proven record as a talented stylist, no one in my little town of Darnell, Kansas will take me into their employ. Oh, they make excuses about tough times, but I see their eyes fix upon my metal claw-encased nubs, expertly holding my shears, and they turn stone cold. I have to say I am fortunate enough not to have to deal with the name that associates with my problem. However, the local boys saw to it that the entire town, young and old, called me "Nubby" Tyler.

So, Dr. Klaww, count your blessings. At least you have opposable thumbs, albeit withered.

Sincerely yours,

Jane "Nubby" Tyler

Dear Horrible Princess Nubby!

At last, you've come! The Book of KLAWW foretells of the arrival of The Heinous One—the One Whose Hideousness Far Out-Darkens That of the Klaww!!!

I supplicate my hideous Klaw to your far more hideous Nubs of Fate! Command me as you wish, to taint this fetid world with hideousness! I await your order to go about inviting the PlainHands to, say, Not Get Enough Exercise or, for instance, Use a Sun Tanning Lotion Below the Recommended Spf 15 Level!!

I shudder at the hideousness yet to be caused by our ungodly partnership!

[sheepishly hiding 'claw' hand in pocket]

I would display the Wretched Talon to you, but to do so would mean nothing to a Being of your Unfortunateness!!

I am Klaww....but more importantly, CURSED Be The Nub! The Ghastly, Shriek-Causing Nub of Fate!!!!

Your humble servant,

Hiram J. Klaww, PhD.

— M Johnson, J Guillory, L Landry and D Saia



Lynn Landry is writing again after a lot of goading, coddling, and shaming by friends. Technology has set her free as she discovered she was "born to blog." Check out her daily musings on life in Oakland, CA at Bad Mother.

John Guillory is a self-taught artist who's been painting for many years now. During the day he is a librarian who supports IT for libraries.

David Saia grew up in southern Louisiana and is a proud Bayou Cajun. If he ever meets that "Mo Martin" Prairie Cajun again in the swamps, he will punch him in the eye, I can tell you that!

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