My dearest friends and fellow clergy:

It looks like His Holiness Pope John Paul II's days may well be somewhat numbered...

Therefore, I'd just like to let it be known now that I've decided to toss my mitre into the ring: I am announcing my candidacy for the Papacy.

Bless All Y'all Bastards!

Since the late 1970s, the Holy See has been ruled by a non-Italian. That's excellent. I think it's now high time for the first American Pope. Sure, there are some amongst my critics who will carp, "But he hasn't gone to church in, like, 25 years!" To those detractors, I can merely say, "Blasphemy! You're going to Hell for that!" As any religious scholar can tell you, I went to Catholic school from the middle of the second grade through the fifth grade. That is plenty enough time to scar a person into Catholicism for life. Besides, Mother Teresa never once visited the catholic church in my hometown; does that make her a Bad Catholic?

I plan a number of reforms in my administration, including:

1. Stop vilifying homosexuals
2. Stop vilifying homosexual pederasts
3. Stop hiring them
4. Ordain women, and have them chaperone male priests when ministering to underage boys
5. More beer in Vatican City
6. Lift ban on priests marrying
7. Lift ban on priests marrying other priests
8. Lift ban on use of contraceptive devices, except for use as packaging for intra-rectal crossborder transport of cocaine or heroin.
9. Rehabilitate the word "funky" amidst the liturgy
10. Bring back (Electric) Guitar Mass
11. Sponsor more Hootie and the Blowfish concerts at the Basilica
12. Free bingo on Tuesday nights
13. Regular Papal appearances on Saturday Night Live

I also promise to fix the water fountain in the main lobby of the Sistine Chapel.

Habemus Moocat!

In keeping with the bold choice of Karol Wojtyla as the first Polish pope in 1978, I believe that my coronation as the first Cajun-Italian American Bisexual Lapsed-Catholic Pope will do much for broadening the appeal and global reach of Catholicism.

I believe that as the personal Earth-bound representative of Our Lord Jesus Christ, I will make an effective CEO, reining in costs and increasing profit margins across our many international business units.

Apart from that, I believe I can KICK THE DALAI LAMA's ASS in any fair game of Scrabble.

I sincerely hope I can count on your support. With your energetic help, I'm sure that the next time the smoke turns white over Vatican City, there will be much cause for celebration, including several jamborees fully stocked with jambalaya and spicy Crawfish casseroles, and... some delicious phở (got to get that coveted Vietnamese-Catholic vote!).

Yours in continued success in the field of Catholicism,

(soon to be) John Paul Moocat I