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|Essays · Poetry · Comedy · Art · Video||summer 2021|
Gajandra and the Curse of the Six Monkeys, cont'd.
The macaque picked up the green "m" candy, sniffed it, tasted it, and then ate it. It must have proved quite the tasty treat, because immediately upon ingesting the morsel, the macaque let out a victory squeal and once again pressed the gem. Again the bell rang and Gajandra felt the pain of ten wasps.
It was then that some of the other monkeys began to take interest in the many light-emitting gems located on rocklike panels throughout the room. The lemur slapped at a blue gem, a honk sounded, and Gajandra felt the pain of an asp bite on the left side of his neck. Immediately thereafter, a ripe, shelled tamarind seed appeared before the lemur through a small slot below the gem.
The lemur, who had a fondness for tamarind seeds, ate it quickly and then pressed the button again.
It took little time for all of the monkeys to get the picture. The chimpanzee touched a yellow gem, and Gajandra's stately nipples burst with the pain of a stinging caterpillar. Then, a small, ripe banana appeared before the chimpanzee. The squirrel monkey pressed a brown button that pained Gajandra's ankle and then rewarded the monkey with three chunks of sweetmelon.
"Ouch! Ow! Hey!, Cut it out, you Nasty Monkeys," pleaded our hero. But as they learned, the monkeys became fast gem-touchers, and Gajandra's pains were incessant: right knee, left buttock, nipples, right earlobe, left bicep, left thumb, nipples, mid-belly, earlobe, and nipples again.
"Jutu! Can't you do something!!!" he cried out.
Above the cacophonous din of ringing bells, honking horns, crashing cymbals and ecstatic, hooting monkeys, Jutu shouted, "Master, when but a youth, had you not fear?"
"What? Ow! Stop it!"
"As a little one, remember when you saw the frightening tale of the Woompus Beast acted out at the shadow-puppet theatre in your Grandfather's village?"
"Yes,— Aaaah! Quit it!— So what?"
"And what reaction did you have then to the great trauma?"
"Huh? Ouch. Dammit. You Fucking Monkeys Are Gonna Git it!!!"
"Think, Master, think! What was your reaction?"
"Reaction? AAAAaaaaa! To the puppet show Ooo! When I was just a small boy?"
Grappling crazily to ignore the hailstorm of pain brought upon his body by the greedy monkeys, Gajandra searched his memory for the answer.
"Ah!" he cried, "I wet my pants!"
"What—now?" asked Jutu.
"No—at the puppet show—I was so scared that I wet my pants!"
"And did this action have its desired effect?"
"Yes! Yes, my uncle came out from behind the latticework and showed me that the puppets weren't real—they were just an illusion."
"So what!? Ow! Got-dammit! I'm going to Kill you Freaking Monkeys!!"
"Think, Master Gajandra, Think!"
"So.... ouch! KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE NIPPLES, WILL YOU?—DON'T YOU HAVE ENOUGH JELLYBEANS YET!....uhhh.... so then....logically..... if I wet my pants...You want me to wet my pants???"
Jutu's silence was all the confirmation he needed.
"Fine—like it's really gonna make things worse!" And with that, the young prince did his best to let the yellow river of waste trickle from his regal fertility scepter. His sarong at first grew damp, then moist.
"This better work, Jutu!!!" he cried out as he summoned all available urinary muscles to drain his blessed bladder. A small puddle of wetness accumulated between his legs and extended into a lengthy pond, whereupon, finally, it connected with one of the bronze fixtures that had been delivering monkey-induced pain to his knee. As soon as the liquid touched the metal, a fierce pain attacked Gajandra's private areas.
"AAAAAAAAAAGCKoddammit, Jutu!!," he exclaimed. But along with the pain came a loud crackling, and smoke, and then all of the metal prongs that had been delivering pain to his body started smoking and crackling... and then there were several small explosions in the monkey room.. and finally, peace.
The monkeys angrily chirped and whooped, but soon their anger subsided, since by now they had all had more than they could easily eat at one sitting.
"Jutu—it worked!" shouted Gajandra, and his words were like the mystic keys to the ignition of a Chrysler Corvair of freedom. The arm and leg restraints unclasped themselves and then, the table disappeared, as did each of the six monkeys, and finally the entire dark castle.
Gajandra found himself again standing in the jungle clearing with Jutu and the pack-Gwambi that had taken them there.
"Thank you!" came the distantly familiar voice of the little man, "You have put an end to the Curse of the Six Monkeys!"
"Is that what that was?"
"Yes—until this day, all residents of the Unkown Lands have been plagued by this wretched curse! Usually, they have to just put up with it until the monkeys get full and bored. Yet you, Gajandra, with your golden urethral nectar, have disabled the entire contraption forever!! Never again shall the People of the Unknown Lands be Tortured by the Horrible Curiosity of the Six Monkeys! Now if you will kindly pay me twelve rupiah, you may be on your way."
"Twelve rupiah, please."
"But I just saved your people from this heinous curse!" protested the prince.
"Well, yeah, sure, but we do have user fees you know. You think all that electricity's cheap?"
"Eel-ek-triss City?? Jutu—what is he talking about?"
"Nothing, master, but remember, you did sign that contract."
"Oh, here's your stupid twelve rupiah. And don't ask me for any more favours!"
"Well," let on the the little man, "there is that clause about the blow-job..."
"Just kidding," he grinned as he faded into the misty night.
"Ye Godz, but I hated this adventure" intoned Gajandra as he and Jutu mounted the Gwambi for the long trip home, "and remind me never to sign anything that I don't understand."
"But master, did I not explicitly warn you not to sign that sheaf?"
"Explicitly warn me? You were rambling on about willow trees and blossoms and, well, I guess it was as explicit as you ever get.... Goodnight Jutu, I'm going to try to snooze. I hope you'll understand that I'm feeling a bit sore...."
"Yes, Master, that and the diaper rash."
"Shut up, Jutu."
Meshur de Gupta Härē-shyo
Mehshur de Gupta Härē-shyo was a 17th-century comedy writer from the Himalayan plateau. His Gajandra inscriptions were discovered in 1953, translated into English in the 1970s, and finally transcribed into HTML near the close of the 20th century.Got feedback on this page? Share it with the moocat!
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