II. Gajandra and the Curse of the Six Monkeys

And so it was that the people of Bangrumgagupta sent out an emissary to spread the word that they had found a new and reliable hero in the young Gajandra, so bold of eye and toned of skin was he.

Lo, thereupon there came a request, from far afield in the North, near the Kingdom that was then known as “Unknown Lands.” Said the request,

“Why do all of these requests rhyme?” asked the young demi-god of his faithful servant and advisor, Jutu.

“Do not the dogs of Oakland bite their leash when time of trouble speaks?”

“Uh, ...yeah, whatever you say, Jutu. So then, let us saddle up the Gwambi and thither to the Unknown Lands go!”

And with that, they did, and days upon days later came upon the little-known Kingdom of Unkown Lands, which seemed to be surrounded by a dense jungle.

“Gajandra the Golden Shaman!” came a craggly voice from behind a banana tree.

Gajandra was quick to pivot and wield his royal anxiety as if twere a weapon of sorts.

“Who speaks to me?”

There before them stood a short man, a mortal man, with turban folded in most unusual manner, and a small, little waist-coat thing round his middle.

“I am the one who asked for your help,” said the strange little man. You must free us from the curse before we all starve!”

“Curse? What curse is that?”

“We are an agricultural Kingdom, subsisting mainly on the fruit of the lush jungle which surrounds us. Some time ago a foreign food-processing multinational put a horrible curse upon our food sources!”

“They poisoned your food?”

“No! But they made it such that none dare so much as pick the fruit of our hitherto life-sustaining trees!”

Both Gajandra and Jutu looked around, espying a nearby clump of Bao-Bao trees, a moist and supple brook snaggling past ten rocks, distant snow-capped mountains, and several large banana trees within arms’ reach.

“I am sorry funny little man, but I still do not understand.”

“Here,” said the man, picking a banana from a nearby tree, “Have a banana — and you will see what we are up against. But first, sign here please.” The little man extended a sheaf of papyrus attached to a small, flat wooden board with a metal clip binding the papyrus to the board through the power of coiled metal.

Gajandra took the board and began to peruse the document. “But I cannot read this — it is written in symbols far alien to my native Sanskrit.”

“Well...just take my word for it — you’ll want to sign this,” offered the little man, genially, as he extended a quill to Gajandra.

“Jutu, what thinketh you — should I sign this sheaf?”

“The willow doth not fly North for the winter, not its blossoms predominate at Sangkluth time; yet do we not still wish to have several willows near our property, for enhancement’s sake?”

Our hero paused for a second, trying to wrench the meaning from Jutu’s scrimshaw-like wisdom.

“Right, whatever,” mumbled Gajandra, as he imprinted his family mark on the sheaf. “Now what is it in deed that you have summoned me for?”

“Eat the fruit, and know our sorrow, O great Gajandra,” instructed the little man as he took back the signed contract.

As Gajandra began to peel the tasty fruit, a dark and terrible-looking castle sprang from the jungle before them. Its turrets were being circumflown by vultures, and from its gaping maw came a most foul and frightful stench.

“Demon!” cried Gajandra, “what manner of bedevilled banana have you fed to me?!”

“It is the only way for you to break the curse!” shouted the little man, as the young warrior-prophet found himself transported and now held immobile upon a table affixed with leathern ringlets at wrist and ankle placement.

At that point a great light shown from an adjoining room filled with gems and implements most fanciful and unknown. As was his duty, Jutu sat silently in the corner of the room, awaiting such time as his master had fulfilled his destiny.

There was a magical pane between the lighted room and Gajandra’s table room. It was clear as water, yet hard as rock.

Gajandra lay still for several moments before boredom got the best of him.

“Well, what now?” he called out to the Unknown.

As if Gajandra’s voice were a whip cracking upon the back of an ass, the mysterious room instantly grew brighter and six small doors slid open. Out from the doors came prancing six monkeys of all types. Even from his prone position, Gajandra could make out a squirrel monkey, two macaques, a tufted lemur, a Red-assed baboon, and a Sub-Saharan chimpanzee. The monkeys bounded about the room for a bit and then settled down.

Attracted to one of the light-emitting gems, one of the macaques reached out to touch it. To his surprise, a bell rang and a green ovally candy with the letter “m” imprinted on it came out of a slot below the gem. One second later, Gajandra heard a loud crackling noise and felt a harsh pain in his left knee. It was as if he were being stung by ten wasps all at once in the same spot.

“Aiiiieeee,” he cried out in pain.

The macaque picked up the green “m” candy, sniffed it, tasted it, and then ate it. It must have proved quite the tasty treat, because immediately upon ingesting the morsel, the macaque let out a victory squeal and once again pressed the gem. Again the bell rang and Gajandra felt the pain of ten wasps.

It was then that some of the other monkeys began to take interest in the many light-emitting gems located on rocklike panels throughout the room. The lemur slapped at a blue gem, a honk sounded, and Gajandra felt the pain of an asp bite on the left side of his neck. Immediately thereafter, a ripe, shelled tamarind seed appeared before the lemur through a small slot below the gem.

The lemur, who had a fondness for tamarind seeds, ate it quickly and then pressed the button again.

It took little time for all of the monkeys to get the picture. The chimpanzee touched a yellow gem, and Gajandra’s stately nipples burst with the pain of a stinging caterpillar. Then, a small, ripe banana appeared before the chimpanzee. The squirrel monkey pressed a brown button that pained Gajandra’s ankle and then rewarded the monkey with three chunks of sweetmelon.

“Ouch! Ow! Hey!, Cut it out, you Nasty Monkeys,” pleaded our hero. But as they learned, the monkeys became fast gem-touchers, and Gajandra’s pains were incessant: right knee, left buttock, nipples, right earlobe, left bicep, left thumb, nipples, mid-belly, earlobe, and nipples again.

“Jutu! Can’t you do something!!!” he cried out.

Above the cacophonous din of ringing bells, honking horns, crashing cymbals and ecstatic, hooting monkeys, Jutu shouted, “Master, when but a youth, had you not fear?”

“What? Ow! Stop it!”

“As a little one, remember when you saw the frightening tale of the Woompus Beast acted out at the shadow-puppet theatre in your Grandfather’s village?”

“Yes,-- Aaaah! Quit it!-- So what?”

“And what reaction did you have then to the great trauma?”

“Huh? Ouch. Dammit. You Fucking Monkeys Are Gonna Git it!!!”

“Think, Master, think! What was your reaction?”

“Reaction? AAAAaaaaa! To the puppet show Ooo! When I was just a small boy?”

“Yes.”

Grappling crazily to ignore the hailstorm of pain brought upon his body by the greedy monkeys, Gajandra searched his memory for the answer.

“Ah!” he cried, “I wet my pants!”

“What — now?” asked Jutu.

“No — at the puppet show — I was so scared that I wet my pants!”

“And did this action have its desired effect?”

“Ow owowowowoowwowowowowoowowowoowwowowowo!”

“Master?”

“Yes! Yes, my uncle came out from behind the latticework and showed me that the puppets weren’t real — they were just an illusion.”

“So?”

“So what!? Ow! Got-dammit! I’m going to Kill you Freaking Monkeys!!”

“Think, Master Gajandra, Think!”

“So.... ouch! KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE NIPPLES, WILL YOU? — DON’T YOU HAVE ENOUGH JELLYBEANS YET!....uhhh.... so then....logically..... if I wet my pants...You want me to wet my pants???”

Jutu’s silence was all the confirmation he needed.

“Fine — like it’s really gonna make things worse!” And with that, the young prince did his best to let the yellow river of waste trickle from his regal fertility scepter. His sarong at first grew damp, then moist.

“This better work, Jutu!!!” he cried out as he summoned all available urinary muscles to drain his blessed bladder. A small puddle of wetness accumulated between his legs and extended into a lengthy pond, whereupon, finally, it connected with one of the bronze fixtures that had been delivering monkey-induced pain to his knee. As soon as the liquid touched the metal, a fierce pain attacked Gajandra’s private areas.

“AAAAAAAAAAGCKoddammit, Jutu!!,” he exclaimed. But along with the pain came a loud crackling, and smoke, and then all of the metal prongs that had been delivering pain to his body started smoking and crackling... and then there were several small explosions in the monkey room.. and finally, peace.

The monkeys angrily chirped and whooped, but soon their anger subsided, since by now they had all had more than they could easily eat at one sitting.

“Jutu — it worked!” shouted Gajandra, and his words were like the mystic keys to the ignition of a Chrysler Corvair of freedom. The arm and leg restraints unclasped themselves and then, the table disappeared, as did each of the six monkeys, and finally the entire dark castle.

Gajandra found himself again standing in the jungle clearing with Jutu and the pack-Gwambi that had taken them there.

“Thank you!” came the distantly familiar voice of the little man, “You have put an end to the Curse of the Six Monkeys!”

“Is that what that was?”

“Yes — until this day, all residents of the Unkown Lands have been plagued by this wretched curse! Usually, they have to just put up with it until the monkeys get full and bored. Yet you, Gajandra, with your golden urethral nectar, have disabled the entire contraption forever!! Never again shall the People of the Unknown Lands be Tortured by the Horrible Curiosity of the Six Monkeys! Now if you will kindly pay me twelve rupiah, you may be on your way.”

“What?”

“Twelve rupiah, please.”

“But I just saved your people from this heinous curse!” protested the prince.

“Well, yeah, sure, but we do have user fees you know. You think all that electricity’s cheap?”

“Eel-ek-triss City?? Jutu — what is he talking about?”

“Nothing, master, but remember, you did sign that contract.”

“Oh, here’s your stupid twelve rupiah. And don’t ask me for any more favours!”

“Well,” let on the the little man, “there is that clause about the blow-job...”

“What?!”

“Just kidding,” he grinned as he faded into the misty night.

“Ye Godz, but I hated this adventure” intoned Gajandra as he and Jutu mounted the Gwambi for the long trip home, “and remind me never to sign anything that I don’t understand.”

“But master, did I not explicitly warn you not to sign that sheaf?”

“Explicitly warn me? You were rambling on about willow trees and blossoms and, well, I guess it was as explicit as you ever get.... Goodnight Jutu, I’m going to try to snooze. I hope you’ll understand that I’m feeling a bit sore....”

“Yes, Master, that and the diaper rash.”

“Shut up, Jutu.”