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Essays  ·  Poetry  ·  Comedy  ·  Art  ·  Video summer 2021
Gajandra and the Eating Lesson, cont'd.

1/5/1998,
Searchmoo:


Essays...
· Sitting with Mama
· Maria
· Nine Crossings
· Mama and Her
    Figs

· Fallopian Chron IV
· Why I Toast, I
· Why I Toast, II
· Why I Toast, III
· Scooter/Dot-Com
· Fallopian Chron II
· Fallopian Chron III
· Strange Bedfellow
· Almost Equal
· A Difficult Day
· Phantom Lover:
    Ode to
    Leslie Cheung

· I Am Salad
· Fallopian Chron I
· Taiwanglish
· Childhood's End
· Psychic Friends
· Life in the
    Time of SARS

· Waiting for
      the Goddess

· Roswell My Eye
· Catisfaction
· My Laramie Project
· Stopping on the
    Street for
    Coltrane: A Real
    Latter Day Saint

· Whither Moocat?
· Happy Palindrome!
· Happy Tiger
· Tourist for a Day
· Geography
    as Destiny

· "Bastards"
· Watching the
    Pentagon Burn

· Communing with
    Mama


Poetry...
· Milk
· Infinity
· Emailing the Dead
· Broken Water
· Sand Shark
· Grandma Said
· Golden Days
· Americat
· Moe Howard on the
Death of His Brother,
Curly

· Flashpoems
· Minyan
· Inside Scoop
· Nativity
· I Ask My Mother
To Sing

· Absence of Colours
· Island Logic
· Peepshow Kleenex
· Allen Ginsberg
Forgives Ezra Pound
on Behalf of the Jews

· Lacing Your Shoes:
Haiku & the Everyday

· Four Haiku
· Smoking Haiku
· Geary & Jones,
Monday, 8:23 a.m.

· The Keeper
· december 13, 2001
· Memento Mori
· Football's Birthday
· The Edward Gorey
Museum

· Arrival
· Victim o'
Soikumstance

· The Origin of
Teeth and Bones

· Questions for
Understanding
Martins Ferry,
Ohio

· This Is Just
To Tell You

· Not-Cat (& whatnot)
· To My Unmet Wife

Comedy...
· Englishhua
· Dave for Pope
· Papa Loves Mambo
· MS-GOV
· A Culture Report
Sampler

· The Louisiana
Cajuns:
A Special Radio X
Historical Docudrama

· Krawkawkaw Gives
a Little

· Meet Dr. Klaww
· Letters to Dr. Klaww
· Letter from the
Hall of Justice

· An Invitation
to be Keynote
Speaker

· More
KLAWWrespondence


All Things
    Gajandra...

· Gajandra Meets
    the Scatoman

· Gajandra and
    the Curse of the
    Six Monkeys

· Gajandra and the
    Eating Lesson

· A Moment of
    Self-Doubt

· Gajandra and the
    Great Rumble

· Gajandra and the
    Problem with
    Sa-Noor


Art...
· Mohamed Tahdaini
· John Guillory
· Berkeley Pier
· Bruce Dene
· Death of The Bayou
· Taiwan Food Vendors
· John Freeman
· Robin Liu
· Hector
· Dave's Corner
· Zuni Kachinas

Videos...
· Mainland Murmurs
· Next to Heaven
  · Episode #8

  · Episode #16
· Crosswords Brunch


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"Nonsense, you silly knave! What is there to drink?"

"Well, we're serving Mug Rootbeer and Diet Pepsi, along with Mango Lassis. I know what Lassis taste like. Allow me to test the flavour of the foreign food--the Beer Root and Pezzi."

"The servants brought the bulging boy his beverages and the greedy bastard consumed all."

"It wasn't long that—"


"Jutu! I know for a fact that you just said 'Greedy Bastard' Tell me no lie--is that what you said?"

"Oh, no Master Gajandra, please forgive me. Your swollen belly must be playing tricks on your ears. What I said was 'feeding hazard.' 'The feeding hazard consumed all.'"

"You better not be lying about that, Jutu."

"I assure you, little prince, I would no more embellish the truth than would yourself."

"Then go on."

"Soon after the fucking fat little shit finished his feast--"

"JUTU!!"

"Yes, master?"

"Oh, never mind..."

"Yes....after suckling the last little sip of beverage, the boy retired to his father's garden, hoping to sleep off his indulgement."

"His father's garden?"

"Yes."

"I'm in my father's garden now."

"So you are, Master Gajandra."

"The young boy lay beneath a Ban-Ban tree and gazed upward at the heavens."

"Hey! I'm lying under a Ban-Ban tree!"

"So you are, Master Gajandra."

"The first rumblings of his expanding contents came from his abdomen. Exploding gasses excaped the little prince's pottie exit. He looked down and noticed that his royal midsection was now quite rounded and painful. He rolled side to side a bit, hoping that the movement would postpone the pain. It only made it worse. Bubbles as strident as those at the Three-headed waterfall at Madras stomped about his stomach. Powerful expansion pushed aside his pancreas, liver and lungs, as his pounding belly grew two, three, four men high. He screamed in pain and shock as he saw his belly grow to the size of two houses."

"Jutu--what was his name?"

"Whose name, master Gajandra?"

"The naughty boy who lied so that he could pig out?"

"Oh, his name was 'Bajandra,' sire."

"At any rate, gallons of semi-digested curry began oozing from his pores. A wild pony happened by, but the methane from a chance fart immediately suffocated it to death..."

"Enough, Jutu, enough! I get the point!"

"But we haven't gotten to the explosion part yet--then a wizened old, handsome attendant stopped by the nasty boy and began telling him a story."

"SHUT UP, Jutu! And promise me you'll never tell me that stupid story again."

"I promise, sire, that I will never tell you this story again...so long as you never give me cause to..."

"Ohhh," he groaned, "alright. Now go and fetch me some Digel, will you?"

"Yes, little prick."

"What did you?— Oh nevermind..."

— Mehshur de Gupta Härē-shyo

Mehshur de Gupta Härē-shyo was a 17th-century comedy writer from the Himalayan plateau. His Gajandra inscriptions were discovered in 1953, translated into English in the 1970s, and finally transcribed into HTML near the close of the 20th century.

<—   b  a  c  k

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